i don't even want to say how many boners i've caused this week
He offered but I said no. I didn't think it'd be cool to accept cupcakes in the mens room of a gentlemans club.
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
she let a homeless guy feel her up so she could go for a ride in his shopping cart
The least you could do before I go into your room is throw away the condom wrapper from the other girl I know you're banging.
I flashed a party boat full of Asians yesterday, didn't I?
That would be a dream come true. Seriously, he's like my mount everest, my life's ambition is to climb him.
There was probably a tattoo above her soulless vagina that read 'it's a trap!' Yet you ignored it
Do you remember biting my ear and whispering quotes of Pride and Prejudice last night?
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
how come you came home with "Amanda owns this" written on your forhead
They said you went back in for 30 minutes and were walking with your arms out like an eagle soaring
Pretty sure I got at least one girl to question her sexuality at the Christmas party last night
Like my mom really needs to know just how non existent my sex life is
I woke up and there was a huge blow up palm tree in my bed...
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