worse things have happened to me. but if it will make you feel better you can pay for my therapist sessions next week.
He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
Dude dan is so baked he taped his remote to the futon so he couldn't lose it again. Come over here
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
I just found pizaa roll in my hair. Already been to class today
Meghan got a job at the bar. We're now morally obligated to drink. Is this what dreams are made of?
can't blv i tried using a "backpack" as a unit of measurement...i drank a lot of beer last night
It was like the devil him self busted his red hot satanic nuts all over my face and burned my eyes out of my innocent sockets.
You're gonna be proud in the future that you fucked the next bill gates
It was like 10 tiny penises being shoved in my vagina.
You gave me a bottle of tequila and introduced me to a ginger named cowboy. I actually love you.
You should really look at your snapstory. It has us screaming " MANSION DICK! SUCK IT! FUCK IT!" By the way im currently in a mansion and need you to pick me up
Free stuff before I even put his balls in my mouth like wow great start
I know you would. And one day, we'll have a moment where i'll verbally assault a stranger for you.
Randomize
