So apparently the christmas orgy was a complete disaster
Just got super judged by a walmart cashier for buying diet pills and candy in the same transaction. Like she has her life figured out.
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.
When you see a guy in a wheelchair try to be cool and pop a wheelie, and then fall over backward and hit his head, is it funny or sad?
This guy keeps going off in the metal detector. When is it appropriate for me to punch him in the throat just in case?
I DONT UNDERSTAND NIPPLES. THEY JUST POP OUT FOR NO REASON
Well somebody's had a rough day, nipple-wise
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
I was really proud of me too last night! Found a discarded hamburger that I have no memory of at the foot of the bed. Instead of a Dude. I'm really growing as a person
Just once I'd like to go out and not have to tell you to put your pants back on.
That makes sense.. A good Bj is a trump card in any argument
You're only young once, and once you get old, you either regret all the sex you had, or you regret not having enough.
Dick very happy bro
how soon in a friendship can you start calling them a motherfucker
Randomize
