Had a farmer come into my class to talk to us today. He apparently met his wife on fb and just thanked jesus for his land. I think I am in the wrong major...
I woke up alone at my apt. On the floor with the door wide open, but still. Success.
I would convert to being a Republican and Mormon just to sleep with Romney's sons. The things I would to do them.
My fall semester strategy is to submit my papers with a nude selfie
You've got post-grad studies written all over you
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
My Wonder Woman lingerie has been defiled by man. I'm a horrible Amazon.
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
I just had a sexting conversation using medieval jargon. I think he is a fine suitor.
I'm really glad I had vomit on my sweater when I met his sister.
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
What should've been a 10 minute beer run turned into her having a 40 minute mental breakdown in my car while in the parking lot. She then asked if she could live at my house and be my girlfriend. Her finishing act was stealing my peanut m&m's.
Well, when a girl introduces herself as "stormy" and gets your number from her boyfriends phone, I'd say that your situation is to be expected.
My fuck buddy and I talked about Amelia Bedilia for ten minutes before having sex. I think I'm in love.
You claimed that someone else had vomited underneath you/on your hand
you were very insulted that we didn’t believe you that someone else vommed
I don't know why, but whenever I shave my balls I feel more aerodynamic.
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
Randomize
