His stupid grin looks like he's mid-ejaculation
Words of wisdom-never eat a peanut-butter covered banana on a construction site ever again
No, I was feeling sad because all of the other girls were like model-skinny. But then I remembered that I had big boobs and went to hit on their boyfriends.
Okay so if I'm going to keep referring to my hangover in the third person it needs a name.
today was the first day of rush. talking to girls all day makes me sick of having a uterus.
it's to the point where working 2 jobs this summer will absolutely not cover how much i will spend on alcohol next semester.
Oh, I'm just lighting tennis balls and WD-40 on fire, what are YOUUU doing?!
Just came out of my room at 8 AM to find 2 pounds of raw hamburger and a half eaten cake strewn across the hallway. And I'm not surprised at all.
I wish my head, heart, dick, and nose could just agree on something for once
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
You used up your allotted blow job minutes for the month of April last night anyways
Are the homeless actually allowed to bathe in fountains located on Main Street in downtown Houston? Can Houston TX be so progressive as to condone public bathing?
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
I could have sworn that I went home last night... but judging from the couch I just woke up on, apparently not.
Randomize
