the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
after last night, i judge her for not breaking up with me
I woke up on a raft in a bath tub filled with beer. excellent night.
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
I know its been a few months but you must know you hve the 2nd biggest dick I've ever seen. 1st place went to a rapper so don't feel bad.
You were telling the cab driver that you believe in him and just to follow his dreams
I think he should just go away to a small penis island and never come back
She got engaged last night. I don't think you should ask her out man.
It's my birthday, dammit, and I'm getting something for free. I don't care if it's just a drink at the bar.
YOU CAN GET THIS DICK FOR FREE
Fine I'll cuddle you but only for the purpose of trying to survive
I just wanna know if were done hooking up so I know of that condom he left in my top drawer is fair game
Come by so you can take a pregnancy test with me. It's like my monthly ritual!
His face will be in my vagina later so I'm willing to forgive.
Have you actually looked at the corn flakes box? I don't think the rooster has a soul.
Randomize
