I'm in my boyfriends bathroom and I shit so bad, there was no toilet paper but his mom's clothes were on the floor and I wiped my butt on her underwear... now it looks like she sharted
i'm at the st pattys day thing. the bar is packed. they just put on celine dion its all coming back to me now. i'm screaming the words.
it's 1 pm.
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
My uncles bleeding, my brother has a black eye and my moms topless in the pool... How was your family cookout?
I hate it when she philosophizes drunkenly on my kitchen counter. not even sober do i understand latin.
we boned then he told me that he had a thing for my gay roommate. worst night ever
you made them have somersault races with you thru the lobby..
Sometimes I wonder why I hang out with you. And then you show up half naked at my door with a half gal of vodka, and I remember why.
Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?
my life is about to be the like the hunger games except with penises. and im going to win.
after he went down on me he said he wanted an air freshener for his car scented like my vag. i cant even.
He showed up at my front door with Plan B and a rose...
this hospital has no fireball
I'm gonna have to get a lube sherpa.
How many more times can I say I need to get laid before you kill me?
Randomize
