I'm going to take the bottles back.. And maybe get an x-ray
the best job he will get is a sex ed teacher in alabama
as we were stuffing their 24 of beer into our bags you kept saying you wanted cheese strings. closest things we found were kraft singles. as the guys came up the stairs you kept screaming 'GET THE CHEESE! GET THE CHEESE!'
We had sex and then he fed me pie. This is the best friends-with-benefits situation ever.
we're stoned watching those roller coaster simulators w our hands up screaming on our couch
Thanks i'm proud of you and I'm proud of beer and vodka for making me drunk
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
You drunkenly hook up with 5 people in one night and suddenly everyone tries to party with you.
So my Mom pointed out my vibrator on the night stand next to my stun gun and reminded me of how much I drink.
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
All I'm sayin is that I don't want to raise anything. Or deal with anything. Or having anything come out of my vagina. I mean, I don't think that's asking too much.
He said I have a comfortable vagina. What does that even mean?
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
All I know is that I got to have an orgasm yesterday during sex so nobody can put a damper on my day, NOBODYYYYYY
I hooked up with the sexiest couple in the LAX BATHROOM IN THE CHANGING FAMILY ROOM HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAA
Randomize
