I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
she carries around a jar of peanut butter. "just in case".
His penis has a special gift of curing my broken heart
When I woke up I had three missed calls from the name 'dream krystals'.... If I remember correctly she was the lady at the drive thru at Krystals and her name was Dream.. She wanted to come to the strip club with us... Do you remember?
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
Sorry I disappeared. Do you hate me?
Not at all, did you not hear me clapping outside your car on our way out?
I will show up on your front porch in a wet t shirt and some mac and cheese
I'm pretty sure male strippers are the last things I need in my life right now.
Once you jizz in someones hat, you cant take it back.
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
This strip club is mediocre. Talent is fine. Fung shui is bad.
I mean when you laced a shot with $200 worth of cocaine I could see why you'd be mad when somebody drops it
Only you could make a reflective vest look even remotely sexy
Why do I know about what dicks have been in your mouth but didn't know you had a dog? What kind of friends are we??
I can't tell if my heart is fluttering because I love him... or if it's palpitating from all the coke.
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