I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
I'm sorry for the crack den comment. You have a lovely apartment.
she sounds like chewbacca in bed
my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.
Did you know the Dallas Cowboy cheerleaders have an exercise show ON Demand? Yeah, I had a lonely night
I can't believe im sexting my roommate. This is really what my life has come to
And the best part is that she's coming home to find that I completely shaved her dog.
I could've eaten a live cat and wouldn't remember it today. That level of drunk.
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
Ur dog was like a damn middle school chaperone this morning trying to lay between us after what he saw us do last night
Dude. I've never been with a guy who just wanted to go down on me all the time including while I'm shooting zombies on call of duty. My life is complete.
he walked up looked at my boobs then looked at my eyes then looked at my boobs again smiled and said "can I get you and the girls a shot "
I don't know. Sometimes you can be a wild card with your emotions. Mostly the emotion known as anger.
You have all semester to unpack your car, quarter jello shots only last until 10.
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
Randomize
