Why did that cocktail waitress get to sleep with Tiger for 2 years, and all I ever got for living in Whorelando for five years is a couple of pictures with Joey Fatone
im sleeping in a hamic at a mansion. best hangover ever
Good lord, they've set up every firework to be ignited by a trail of gasoline at midnight. God save us all.
I tried exercising today. I ended up masturbating to the Wii fit trainer.
I am going to be fat forever.
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I know. I told you I'm a mess. She had weird nipples. I almost lost an eye to one.
My day may involve a drug pinata. I LOVE MY LIFE.
It must suffice lest there secretly exist a picture of me walking out of the ocean at midnight naked and half mast with a sea urchin on my ass
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
Then again, he has huge mansions.
*manboobs.
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Just woke up. Will be over soon. DON'T LEAVE THE CHAMPAGNE UNSUPERVISED.
I woke up in the basement of a pizza restaurant... I would say the tequila hit me pretty hard.
Also, for real, though? Did we even have sex or were we just jumping on the bed drunk and naked...because with me that's actually a possibility.
Listen all we did was not even pretend we aren’t each other’s type and live together and constantly encourage each other to get laid for 6 months.
Idk how it devolved into us fucking.
Taking out my recycling and 90% of it is alcohol and cat food. I am judging myself.
The shitshow that was last night is the gift that just keeps on giving
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