After me and my boyfriend broke up I had to resist the temptation to send a mass text to my booty calls saying "thank you for your patience. it will be rewarded."
One of my friends found 6 bags of gummy bears on the roof. He lives a building over. Apparently even hammered you still have quite an arm
Yes, do intervene. Unless it involves cowboys with loud trucks and hard 9 inch dicks. Then just come back for me in the morning.
Is it wrong in Austin to talk to the homeless while I feed a bird my chips??
Whore. There is deli meat in my wallet.
After he finished he proceeded to check my boobs for breast cancer.
Just tried to dig out holes in my mattress for my boobs so I could be comfortable lying down on my stomach
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
no need to worry, I have the internet and a cape, I can accomplish anything. nothing can go wrong, I am unstoppable. Yo.
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
You sat outside petting a picture of your cat for hours... not even the real thing... just a picture.
Don't get yourself off tomorrow. We. Are. Having. Sex. That's that. Just dont do it.
Let's get this straight. I am six fucking feet tall. Do you even understand how limited my options in guys to date are? No. Did you see my last three boyfriends? I looked like a fucking giant next to them. So I will fuck this six-foot-seven Italian model even if I am the ugliest girl at this party because, goddammit, I deserve to.
Randomize
