I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
drunk sex in a shower = bad idea broken arm
i'm 67% sure he was trying to sing in hawaiian
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
I just spewed blue gatorade in the shower. It looked like the ocean.
First I must say that I am disappointed to learn that you knowingly have trashy friends with whom you've not hooked me up.
Ok, maybe I don't want to know what happened last night... But somehow I guess I moved the oven.
Hey we met at the bar a week ago. Your friend gave me a rose and you asked about my nipples.
I like the odds of his and my children being professional athletes too. To support me in my old age, see I do think about the future.
She told me she's dating him because his apartment is a block from Taco Bell. I don't know how she's not fat.
like every night i go out someone always suggests nipple hugs so that's why I always end up topless
Well he wouldn't kiss me so I made out with a German girl, took a shot with my boss, and I think I sprained my ankle. It was a quiet Sunday for me.
Drunk sperm are not productive sperm.
This is the worst drive ever. Im hungry, hungover, i gotta shit so bad, and the only radio station im getting clearly is playing alvin and the chipmunks christmas songs
Oh man. I threw up in the first cab. Got kicked out. Roamed somewhere for awhile. Fell asleep in the back if the second cab. Woke up in my underwear on the living room floor with a frozen pizza (thawed) laying next to me
Randomize
