so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
Let's get back to talking about you giving me a blow job.
Had to have a serious talk with my liver and remind it that it is my birthday weekend and there are three more nights like last night ahead of us
Not only is it unacceptable to be bar hopping alone at 5 o'clock. It is definitely unacceptable to do so with a lobster
The last text I sent him was about nachos. Frankly, if he can't respond positively to that he can fuck off...
I ate 12 cupcakes in less than 24 hours, so no judgement here.
Old woman told me I looked like her son and then she started explaining to me how she wanted me to fuck her
I seriously think I may just have to live here. In this bed. Naked.
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
I decided to have a date tonight. Back on horse I go. Or aiming to be on a horse cock one day. You know. However that metaphor goes.
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
Id like to submit an apology whenever you feel like talking.
Its not gonna be for awhile Im not a very forgiving person especially since you TOTALED MY FUCKING CAR.
The night went downhill somewhere between the time I was triple fisting smirnoff and when I was throwing up in the yard in nothing but my bra while he talk to me about mashed potatoes
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