I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
Apparently throwing up on your own cape is still a party foul
so i think im going to actually use my calories on food today instead of beer.
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
Only you would think wine and coffee was an acceptable finals study time mix
We need to play Chardee MacDennis. Contact me when you have an available date. This is not a question.
How can I not totally like a guy that told me my boobs were too big for me to be taught how to play golf?
I just realized I'm the burger in your burger and steak anology. Very disconcerting.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
There's green glitter on my nipple rings. #mardigras2013
I woke up to the sound of him repeatedly tapping out SOS in Morse Code using his hard cock.
She walks around topless and loves making sandwiches. That's how a one-night stand turned intoa relationship
Car is still out of commission. Looks like it's Grape Nuts and scotch for dinner.
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
Randomize
