I've slept with so many tools that you'd think my pussy was Home Depot.
this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
Lost is over, my longest committed relationship is coming to an end.
Apple Jack is not a good idea for breakfast. Whiskey can't replace milk.
i flashed his best friends last night
you always were good at making good first impressions
I can get there in 20, one question, Drress Code? Stripper Lite (make up may require an additional 5-10 minutes), Suggestive Professor (professor Kamil's cleavage ain't got nothing on me), Daywear, Dyke (and trust me you ain't seen dyke), or Exactly What I'm Wearing Right Now. (all of the above may arrive under a coat and are subject to my level of sobriety. Which is currently like nonexistent).--xoxo you know you love me, Gossip Girl.
Just went over my top ten highlight reel with that guy I'm fucking. It was like we were sports announcers. But about sex.
my grandpa paid for my boob job but he just doesn't know it.
And one groomsman rode a suitcase cart like a skateboard until he crashed and took out a piece of sheet rock. Later he pulled out his nuts.
Can you get winded from lip syncing? I don't know how Britney does it
He apologized for cumming on my leg, but not for ghosting me for 3 weeks before :(
He’s 48, has a Prince Albert piercing and a white Range Rover
I accidentally stubbed my dick
What does that even mean?
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
I'm not saying it wasn't great. I'm just saying sleeping with a gassy, depressed,45 year old mother was a different experience. Would do it again though.
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