I wore my front clasp bra so he would have to prove his sobriety to me before we had sex.
Osama's death just kick started our Cinco de mayo celebration. Margaritas for anyone wearing red white and blue!
when i first looked at you, you weren't wearing any pants. but then i realized you had them around your neck as a cape.
Just caught my dad doing coke in my bathroom again. Guess whose getting a new car for christmasss.
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
I drove two hours just to throw up on myself today at the beach. My family saw the whole thing and my younger cousin cried
he was like "can i get a kiss" and i was like "can i get a taco"
He literally said I should watch game of thrones while I was blowing him like is this the conversation you want to be having right now
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
He got punched in the face last night? By who? I’ll invite him to our formal. Seriously.
Btw I appreciate you as a friend for taking the time to validate my sluttiness
My mom is dancing slutty on the bar I need more drinks to be ok with this
I know... It's stupid... It's like, I have sex with his brother and bestfriend ONE time....
do you know why there was a glass jar of hot chocolate and a traffic flare in my shower?!! like where did that even come from
So I forgot to ask, how was that bartender you slept with two weeks ago?
Google chlamydia.
Randomize
