Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
WORST DINGLEBERRY EVER
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
I understand that I gave you a nose bleed with a cheeto last night and for that I apologize
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
this is the second time this week i got a blowjob from a crying girl.
To do list: put blue gatorade in a windex spray bottle. spray it into my mouth in public so people think i'm drinking windex.
It's like a party bus, but there's a glass, airtight wall separating the driver from the passengers, and once everyone's on, they pump vaporized THC into the cabin.
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
I'm still not sure if it was intentional, but the chiropractor definitely cradled his balls on my shoulder. He even seemed to adjust the sack for comfort. I think I should be flattered. He is a doctor, after all..
I woke up and he used my makeup to write "hope you don't get pregnant" on my mirror before he left
I never thought I'd say this, but I think I just saw the hottest pregnant chick alive.
Well when I got home you were sitting at the table eating cold, leftover taco meat. I'd say you were pretty far gone by that time.
Don't do shots out of Tostitos scoops.
Oh shit that's not good dude. I'd head straight for Williamsport hospital the first ingredient in that shit is lithium batteries. You don't want to know what the second one is
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