so he tried marking my clit with a sharpie so he could "find it again next time".
You got off, kissed my dick and whispered "stay hard" to it, puked and then got right back on top of me like nothing happened...
Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
Me and a lesbian played "may the best man win" over a bi chick tonight... I lost, still fun though
Now she's making me sit here and look at pictures of guys she likes who look like bears. She's calling them her bear friends.
she gave me one of those friendship bracelets and said as long as I wore it it was like an all-access pass to her vagina
True as that may be, are you coming to the birth of my imaginary child or not?
I'm just saying, asking "Are you happy with me?" during a handjob is simply unfair and scientifically inadmissiable.
Finally smoked with my brothers, I feel like I just won gold at the Best Older Brother Ever Olympics
I just bought a bottle of lube for my car.
Well I'm sorry I assumed you were a human and that humans have the capability to forget sometimes.
Happy hour crawl turned into power happy hour turned into tequila shots turned into I'm drunk in class on Cinco de Mayo at 7 am.
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.
What kind of friend would I be if I didn't make you hate things you once loved?
All I'm wearing right now is a condom and a sock.
Just one?
Yup. One sock.
Randomize
