Just so we both are on the same page, I have no solid plans as to where I'll be sleeping tonight.
can i drink enough to forget this semester even happened?
So drunk can't even tell it's my own house. WOaoOw.
how the hell did u puke all over the magazines... do u still want me to keep them
I just found a bag of teeth...
I apparently started to text you last night. All it said was 'the whole clam'. I hope that means something to you.
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
What does puking wasabi feel like?
Like snorting cocaine backwards.
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
So I fucked a guy with his mouth wired shut last night never thought id cross that off my imaginary bucket list
I'm kind of pissed I'm not hungover, that means I could have totally drank more last night.
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
we went outside for a smoke and when we came back in you were ptfo on the floor holding the phone to your ear. Pizza pizza was on the line.
Randomize
