she made me cover her fishbowl with my shirt because she "didn't want to corrupt it."
i can hardly tell the difference between falling asleep and passing out anymore
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
My ATM looks so different sober.
Maid of honor is brides sister and single. Likes lemondrops. You're welcome.
He lectured me about the dangers of drugs while wearing a sombrero and doing interpretive dance.
My only regret is not throwing up on the conveyor belt in the dining hall
Her fucking playlist had randy newman on it. It was like woody was watching the whole time.
Don't you dare blame me for walking in one walking in on ur fuck session....u decided to fuck where we hid our booze
So unless we're getting married, I can't see him cry AND have sex with him. It just doesn't work like that.
u kept repeating to itself "hot cheetos and nacho cheese sauce.."
Oh my fucking god that cat looks just like you after you accidentally took Ketamine
I don't care if he's the coolest coworker, if he's living in his mom's basement at 30 you should not buy drugs from him
So I paid Bumble $10 to see who liked my profile for a month. Cheap, easy dick. It's all about the economics, yo.
The last time we went to a costume party, you walked around in a loincloth with a cross and said you were Jesus. I'm eager to see how much more offensive you can be.
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