when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
is it true guys wash their penises in the sink if they think they're getting laid at a bar?
it's more of a rinse.
I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
I passed out on my porch last night. I'm still making it to class. This is what growing up means.
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
Were playing beruit winners pelt losers with eggs
Im about to smoke a huge bowl. My penis is so happy. Who needs girls.
i just stole a 8 pack of olde english 40s and 2 roles of duct tape. we are going to make edward proud tonight.
I just rode a horse than walked onto my property in boarshorts, flip flops, and holding a 40. What do I win?
Good morning love! Friendly reminder that we decided to make leggings with a vagina zipper. "For the winter quickie"
my mom snuck into my room, washed her clothes and made her breakfast. what the fuck she's a better boyfriend than I am
I've really become a household name at this fraternity. Mother would be so proud.
I showed him my machete and then we made out in the kitchen
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
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