i just woke up and "where the fuck is taco bell" was in my search engine...
I even resorted to pole dancing with the street sign. I have an extra $20 now because I think people were paying me to leave.
she woke up, said "please dont tell me your name, i dont want to remember it"
Dude I really need to stop drinking. I chugged a whole bottle of ketchup last night.
Monday is now my bitch. I just did 20 naked push ups on the bar for $20
This number has temporarily been disconnected and will be restored to service once you get rid of you girlfriend.
Somehow she talked me into getting my dick pierced, weird first date.
I'n not even sure we went out, but I know we broke into a cemetery.
I mean, except for the part where I was vomiting up pineapple and hot sauce, it was a really fun time.
Taking care of drunk people fulfills my need to be a mother
I'm wine drunk & this is not good news for anybody
I feel like hooking up with you on my floor, sneaking out my window and jumping a fence is an effort that deserves a happy birthday.
Just packed vodka and spare underwear into my purse- totally set for watching the hockey with him tonight
I told him. He hasn't said anything. Crying and holding cats is probably what is happening.
But yeah, I am thinking that "Cake Heresy" will now be a thing
Randomize
