He dumped me and I don't wanna fuck his best friend for revenge. Is this what maturity feels like?
We lit firecrackers from NYE in the fireplace and he was so passed out that he slept through it.
I forgot not everyone drinks wine out of the bottle. My grandma just asked if i needed a glass with a disappointing look.
in my defence, i did try to get you to put your shirt back on, then you screamed at me to stop telling you what to do
She texted her brother about how much she loved his hot tub. He responded three days later that he wasn't aware he owned a hot tub.
How many times do I have to drunk reject you for our friendship to become awkward? Cause were at 9 as of last night
I saved him as teletubby in my phone....that can't be a good sign. I'm not answering.
Am I really that girl who walks around half naked wearing a cowboy hat begging for liquor at some random guys house
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
If I'm gonna have a rotation of guys, I really should stop them leaving boob bruises...
hey man , the girl you brought home last night is in the kitchen puking in the sink and asking if she can have more shots of Whiskey....think i should give her a shot glass or send her home....
Dude, I'm sorry if you saw me getting head in my truck last night. My bad.
And I think she just drunkenly ordered an ipad. she said it was so pretty she couldn't keep it "locked up" because an ipad has to be let free.
Drinking at 10 in the morning and swimming might not be the best idea I've ever had but it beats working
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