everything is bigger in texas. Including my drinking problem.
hey can i ask you a kinda weird question?
i know what the question is. yes they are bigger, and no i did not get plastic surgery
she kicked me out for pissing in the recycling bin. I mean, is it really THAT big of a deal?
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
You made a list of reasons why you should be on fear factor. You came up with 2 reasons: "I like fear" and "I am fear"
we found you under the sink... we opened up the doors and you told us to go away because you were playing indian in the cupboard
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
Standing in front of the open refrigerator with a 3/4 empty bottle of wine eating Bac-o's from the jar, topless. Somebody really should've taught me better coping skills.
FYI: telling a guy his dick is more impressive than you remembered it - they don't take it as a compliment.
So I'm thinking about sending him some "sorry I almost peed on your computer" cookies. Thoughts?
I think the 8 yr old is hitting on me and they just prayed for the salvation of third world countries
He called himself Jesus all night but I'm not sure if that's his real name or not
I'm going to be fiscally responsible and buy a handle.
Considering I drank for you last night, do you mind picking up your half of the hangover
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
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