Instead of peeing my cute lil blue panties I peed in the train parking lot in front of an asian.
I ate a lot of your sunchips. I mean a lot. Like 4 to 5 bags.
my mom just asked me what a queef is. she needs to stop watching south park
So apparently when I was 2, I went around drinking everybody's beer at some wedding, then passed out in a corner....
This explains a lot.
cracked out the beer snorkel again. that thing has a five for five record of getting me naked.
Happiness was finding the hidden Gatorade in the fridge
Dude. I am seriously trying SO hard not to be amused by Honey Boo Boo. But the fact is, she just got a mani pedi with her gay uncle Poodle, and he got a discount because he only has nine toes, and I am ALL IN.
You pretended to pelvic thrust my mother on the boat while my 92 year old grandmother looked on. Thanks.
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
I think I'm too tall to 69 successfully.
I think I might cry.
There was confetti in my vomit this morning... Happy New Year!!
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
Why did I ever allow that penis to enter my sacred temple?
Having weed delivered to your door is like having your own personal Santa Claus
Just motorboated this 18 year old girl at the bar. The first time was my idea the other 3 she made me. Maybe turning 27 won't be so bad. Haha.
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