you're the one who masterbates every night to the titanic soundtrack
Roller skating + drunkeness + peeing = mess
Weddings at vineyards should never be allowed to happen. I'm pretty sure I drank every bottle they produced in 2008.
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
You called him your tasty little crouton. Which actually wasn't the weirdest part.
Just bought a beer belt to complete the Captain America outfit. I will do my part as a hero of America to pass out beer to the good citizens of America.
I'm going to make "gut the love salmon" a common slang term for sex. Spread the word.
It's probably because the lack of alcohol in your stomach. Alcohol kills bacteria. I am a doctor. Trust me
Can we talk about how i am holding a tupperware container of my own puke in the back of my grandparents car while my sister drives
I LOVE YOU NO MATTER HOW MANY BALLS YOUVE SUCKED
You're just gonna have to make the sacrifice man.
I'm trying to hide in the table.
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
Well, she chose the fuckboy life or the life chose her. Not sure which one but either way I don't need that negativity in my life.
i just got hit by a door and im the one that said im sorry, yeah im drunk.
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
Randomize
