She is my favorite of all the girls you have fucked. Other than me.
I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
i just carried on a conversation with my mother from another room mid-ejaculation. you would have done the same
I may have discovered that porn hub is on my top visited sites during class this morning.
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
He just helps fat girls get exercise. One walk of shame at a time.
I was fucking the girl and her best friend walked in on us. She said we looked thirsty, got us a glass of water, and poured it down both of our throats. It was like... sex bottle service
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
Apparently I walked to Denny's in the pouring rain without shoes just socks last night. Excellent.
I have an interview tomorrow and listed you as a reference. If they call you, please don't tell them about the time I smuggled a Chalupa out of Taco Bell in my underwear.
I wish more of my problems were easily solvable by taking a good long shit.
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
Everyone is a disappointment when you lose your virginity to nine inches
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
He said a lot of nice things about me, it was really uncalled for.
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