I'm so fucking pissed that I wasted my shooting star wish on him and his little penis.
ya i looked horrible drunk and pregnant isn't a good combination
I need a second opinion on who's blood is in my car.
i can recognize that vagina from a mile away
Welp. I just hopped out of his window to avoid meeting his parents... happy monday!
Whatever dude, I don't feel bad about it. If my girlfriend finds out even SHE should give me a high five. That bitch was fine
I also found a beer label in my bra and I'm pretty sure you put it there and said "this means I trust you"
Hung over and there is no way in the world I can make this mess look good today. Only solution is to stay drunk.
I woke up in Brittany's thong, Tony's shirt, and an oven mitt
Super awkward when the coworker you made out with in exchange for molly last weekend keeps coming over to your cube and trying to talk to you
If you get that boat I will recruit some boat hoes for you and tape a video and sync it to I'm On A Boat. This is happening.
WHAT IS MY LIFE THAT THE ONLY PERSON INTERESTED IN FUCKING ME IS MY 6TH GRADE MATH TEACHER
After a crazy night, morning sex is just trying to find a position where you can thrust without getting seasick.
Well, I currently have zero fuckboys and my vibrator just broke. A fresh start to May.
He tried to throw up into a beer bottle. It was a complete disaster. Vomit went everywhere. It put the Bellagio's fountain to shame.
Randomize
