wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
As a driver I hate pedestrians, and as a pedestrian I hate drivers, but no matter what the mode of transportation, I always hate cyclists.
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
I think its only fitting my first purchase with my student loan is a glass pipe? I think ill name it 'Subsidized'
i turned my shower on this morning and passionfruit pulp came out. how did you even do that?
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
I only saw you for about 5 min, but you were rambling about how not even the whiskey could make you fight the skeleton guards.
No hurry on coming over. My body currently wants everything on the inside to be on the outside. But really. Don't hurry.
after he went down on me he said he wanted an air freshener for his car scented like my vag. i cant even.
Sorry bro I thought you were kidding. If I'm actually jerking off I usually said "Just a sec getting dressed" or something
It'd probably just be a lot of profanity and hyperventilation and deteriorating into tears anyways
so just a regular conversation then
NOBODY TALKS SHIT ABOUT PANDA EXPRESS
After we won that round of beer pong you attempted to swallow the winning ball whole claiming you had the mouth and jaw of a snake.
A snake? I must've been gone...
After that you got naked and hissed at people the rest of the night..
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
Randomize
