I'm not high anymore, I decide when it's done.
ugh. people who use coupons make me wanna punch a baby.
Sry I left before you woke up. The house was really fucked up and I didn't feel like helping you clean. PS Somebody threw up on your dog
he doesnt exactly give off the "im mature enough to use my penis" vibe
I'm honestly too sad to drink and hang out with strippers. This breakup sucks.
I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
1 month til my stepdad becomes a u.s. citizen, so if you want to get in on the divorce pool its your last chance, $5 a square.
my mom just left...time to break out that water bottle of wine that I sewed into my teddy bear
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
We need to get stoned and watch Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 2. This has become a priority. Schedule accordingly.
Update: his apartment is apparently in the campus Christian community center. The fact that I fucked him on the couch in the lobby is officially my crowning life achievement.
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
So I got cockblocked by our relationship status last night
Also fuck yeah conspiracy
you ripped my door off of the hinges, kicked it in half and then proceeded to throw it down the stairs because i wouldn't make you a cheese burger
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