my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
The guy in the library beside me just whipped out an entire loaf of bread, a knife and a container of peanut butter and is proceeding to make multiple sandwiches.
i'm sick of coming in second next to bourbon.
Hint of advice dont get with minor league baseball players, you can google their stats but not their stds.
My dad caught me fucking in the pool last night. He proceeded to tell me I needed to "quiet things down" while this guys dick was still in me. Worst daughter ever.
Currently in the bathroom stall of a gay bar in new haven giving myself an anti throw up pep talk
Which outfit says "I'm sorry for your loss but we're still banging later"?
So many weird people in this class. I can practically taste their unwanted virginities. They taste bad.
I only drink at bars with bathrooms big enough to have sex in.
There's nothing more rewarding than telling you that I fucked your dad
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
when i saw him today i think my vagina did the equivalent of a stomach growl... its been to long
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
Randomize
