Condoms? Check. Glitter? Check. Fuck me pumps? Double check. Dignity? No where to be found. I'm about to homewreck the shit out of that dumb bitch.
I've been meaning to talk to you about your lack of self-respect these days and the toll it's taking on your vagina.
so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..
I am not bailing you of of jail
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
They high fived over us while we gave them synchronized blowjobs. In the same bed. Under the same blanket.
Almost just got kicked out of a bar because the locals spilled beer everywhere when we taught them to shotgun.
I don't think it's considwred fine dining when you're passing out at golden palace in chinatown at 4 am with you boss who happens to be wearing a dress.
So he ended up throwing a watermelon that he stole from the cafeteria saying "if i cant have it no one can" of the 5th floor.
You should have seen her, she looked like a skinny Jabba The Hutt
That literally makes no sense
Exactly
I ripped the door frame off last night too. Just remembered.
fries before guys. food before dudes. shakes before dates. chips before dicks. lemon bars before football stars. macaroni before screwin' tony. what i'm saying is please come to ladies' night
Wine is the only reason I'm making it in the real world
Nothing says "i love you" more than flowers and potatoes
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
Russell is lonely. He needs a companion.
You're lucky you have a monster cock or most people may just laugh at your penis' nickname.
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