WAKE UP. GET ME THE PILL. AND SAVE MY LIFE
Just got mistaken for a cardboard cutout ad in line at Taco Bell. New low?
She uses empty wine bottles as book ends. 2 on each side. At least 8 shelves.
I just masterbated while imagining him getting hit by a truck. I have hit a completely unacceptable level of anger & bitterness. Help.
Walk-of-shaming home in that dress you got arrested in. Six guys called out your name when I walked past. I've never been more proud of us.
The poor thing was so drunk they wheeled his motorcycle into the bar. I just dropped him off to pick it up. The best walk of shame ever.
And then I asked the bartender for my third shot and he told me he had to cut me off at two because this was in fact a family fun center
Curse you and your alcoholic milkshakes.
You're welcome.
whose ass print is on the piano?
Yeah! Don't let me leave the house without marijuana and a juicer.
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
Ugh I feel like I just got hit by a big giant sex bus.
you took my virginity. you can't have my alcohol too.
He took off all my clothes, fingered me, than said "would you be more comfortable if I was naked too?"
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
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