I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
I just creeped all your pictures on Facebook -- it was like I watched you grow up right before my eyes.
Dude, Taco Bell gave me a free fiesta potatoes when I won a bet on wether I could fit the entire rim of a cup in my mouth.
We made out while a LIT cigarette dangled out of the side of his mouth. Disturbing or slightly erotic?
I tried to say goodbye but you were hugging a trash can and I wasn't sure if you had clothes on
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
I went commando last night, then accidentally flashed a police van...They acknowledged it.
A dry HJ only, please. I don't deserve the comforts of lube after my horrendous fantasy football performance
And I threw up 26 times yesterday. I actually think I threw up a spider too.
My penis has like 3 people bidding on it
I feel like I might be the only person I know who eats bundles of radishes in-between orgasms from their vibrator.
He once bought a dildo and put fifty dollars and a happy anniversary note in the battery compartment I gotta lock him down while hes available
You weren't singing into a microphone in front of an audience. You were screaming into your fist in the check-out aisle in Walmart.
She called me at 2am crying because her late night booty call moved out of state
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