Cold hands, warm shart.
I just got a bj @ my old preschool...my childhood memories r all ruined
I'm drinking carlo rossi straight from the jug. I don't have any clean cups...how am I still at this point in my life...
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
The good news is the house is clean, the bad news is someone redecorated the bonus room by spray painting "free willy" on the wall in honor of the girl who passed out in there last night.
Vodka drinking games. Where you wake up next to a douche lord and see your thong in the blinds.
Dear lord though. So much glitter. It's just a big gay explosion and all of my whore muscles hurt.
I think I'm going to add the date I dumped his sorry ass as a life event on FB.
I think that's justified.
You're the common denominator of my blackouts.
My day in three words: secret purse cake
You've never really lived until you tell someone you have an STD over snap chat.
Sorry it's taking so long, it's harder to take an ass pic with an iPad than you think
Also, I just opened Google to find the lyrics to California Gurls. Karaoke night did us dirty.
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
My new favorite word is dickbag. I think its relevant here. And I say that with all the love in the world.
Randomize
