I told my girl, that I use to jerk off to Star Trek. All she says is, "Oh my gawd, you're such a trekie!". If I was her, I'd be weirded out more than me being a Trek Fan.
You broke out your mechano set and told us you were gonna "build us a beer machine" and 5 min later you were fast asleep
shes in my pool wearing only floaties on her arms ill have to raincheck watching march madness with you guys sorry
Let's make jello shots for tomorrow
What's going on tomorrow?
Nothing, it's Wednesday
for future reference: even when 4 loko is flat it still fucks you up. im near a tree. come find me.
ive been a drunken mess for the last 5 days. i feel like a 19 year old again
Tis the season to puke in grandma's bathroom
The front desk girl just had that condescending welcome-home-from-your-walk-of-shame face on
It was probably because you set your bra on the couter while you found your ID...
soo...what's the appropriate way to ask to come over and take your S&M lingerie out of your ex's apartment? big weekend planned, kinda need it.
MAN I GOT NO SLEEP AND HAD A BREAKFAST OF SKITTLES AND ASPIRIN. I'M LIVING THE LIFE.
I'm shotgunning a 12 pack at a bus stop. This is why we pay the rent with an auto withdrawal at the beginning of the month
In case you're wondering what frozen hashbrowns taste like at 4 in the afternoon, shame. They taste like shame.
if i don't get grease into my system pronto i will undoubtedly die
I told the border patrol officer she was smuggling drugs in her ass. I doubt she cheats on me again.
Puked up breakfast after doing my first minze shot in a while, but that shot was to Trump losing the election, so it's all good.
Randomize
