Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
How does she give head with a nose like that? It looks like she has a plantain stuck in the middle of her face.
I kinda look like a classier blonde kenny powers.
She was so happy she found her sunglasses, that she blew me. Im now randomly hiding things of hers in hopes she'll find them and I'll get a repeat performance.
I hate girls that dress up to come to planned parenthood. I just want to be like we are all in the same boat here, we know your slutty. Its OK.
he walked in on you at the party drunkenly dancing alone on the bed wearing mardi gras beads, sunglasses, and using one ski pole as a microphone.... and you STILL got laid. i dont get your life.
He made fire alarm noises before throwing up all over the street.
Don't judge me. If you're going to fall off a bed you might as well do it gracefully into a bag full of beer.
So getting a bj to I believe I can fly is one of the greatest things ever
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
Counseling BFF to break up with her BF. We will get that 3-way
at one point he couldn't find his underwear so he put on my catsuit to go to the bathroom
That guy drinking savagely was actually at his buddy's gay bachelor party in the male stripper section. He came over to the chicks side so we drank with him.
He had some sort of penis-related post traumatic stress disorder, but body shots seemed to wake him up
I was so gone I thought the cops banging on my door were kids from the party trying to get into my room... needless to say, I started moaning louder so they would take the hint.
Dad literally changed the channel from an episode of Big Bang Theory to another episode of Big Bang Theory. That's why I hate this show.
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