Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
full cup flip cup was not exactly the reason I wanted to tell the cops when I was sleeping on the curb
he's measuring my pool to see how much jello powder he needs. He got paid today.
We talk about tequila and blow jobs the way that normal people talk about the news and the weather.
So he might be the smartest man alive. He had the stripper pick him up taco bell on the way to the room for an extra 50 bucks.
I am sitting here. Drinking from a bottle of vodka. Eating shredded cheese from a bag and waiting on him to pick me up after he finishes with his girlfriend. This is what dreams are made of.
My love will cover her like lulu lemon yoga pants. Casually supportive and always complimenting your Ass.
xanax give me strength to not ask where we stand with booty calls
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
March Madness means a buffet of emotionally vulnerable dick at the bars almost every night. So yeah my vagina and I are big fans.
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
This morning we had sex while he was wearing a full length fur jacket and sunglasses... I wasn't even phased
YOU WAXED MY CAT YOU SICK FUCK
ah lol cocaine is strange when I dose I feel like an elephant running through a grocery store
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