why did i wake up to an event notice that says "Shit Just Got Real"?
don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
I found a map from his room to his bathroom this morning in my purse. Apparently I was too fucked up to get there without one.
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Whatever, the fact of the matter is that I saved you from poorly planned outdoor sex by doing a rain dance and you should totally thank me.
Would it be weird if I told you I thought of you when I masturbated?
Looks like I'm more than just your Mexico mistake...
Apparently unused tampons can also double as things to bite down on during public sex to prevent screaming...
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
You're the third person who's asked me for an afternoon blow connection in one day. Unreal.
That's more of a you-issue than a me-issue
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I woke up on top of his counter next to a pot of boiling water and an empty package of ramen... what happened to the ramen, we will never know.
he was high. i was rolling face. we were both wearing grateful dead t shirts. at that point it's like we had no choice but to fuck
Also, being stuck with my family all week has made it very clear that I need to be drunk and I need to be fucked pronto
High me is so sweet. She left not-high me a fortune from a fortune cookie and 6 packets of soy sauce in my tampon drawer.
Also, you fell asleep with you hand on and around my cock last night.
You said you're gonna end your night with a six pack and awful erotica
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