I'm bleeding from my lower lip, and I have bruises around my neck. It was just easier to say I got mugged.
so far we have 6 big wheels and 10 boxes of wine for the tour de franzia. team drunkslut is favored to win the yellow jersey.
Should have told me the night we were talking about deal breakers that vomming outside your car was one of them. I would have taken a cab back
I just put on eyeliner and a diff shirt in case the pizza guy is cute. This is what my dating life has come to
you were feeling the wall and when we asked you why, you just said "because I want to know who lived here before"
Ordained minister or not I hereby renounce all moral responsibility for any and all related occurrences
Woke up in the middle of my kitchen clutching a cheesy gordita crunch
I just sent a bad sext to my sister. There's not even a way to damage control this, is there?
Fun times on public transportation. I just had a guy imply that I was racist cause I didn't want to talk to him when I was clearly reading my book and he was clearly on coke.
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
I know I've never told you this before.. but Gyro sauce makes everything okay.
You jumped into so many bushes for no reason
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
I wonder how many people saw me whip my junk out and bang it on the light post in front of holabird bar and liquors last night. I'm about tired of having to do that.
Nobody saw you except the people in the bar, because you weren't outside. You were inside, and you were smacking it on the mens bathroom door handle
I really hate whoever invented fireball.
He told me he loved me and I told him I shit myself
Randomize
