i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
I just want you to know that if I ever had to fight man eating flowers or flying turtles to save my friends they'd be fucked. No one's worth all that bullshit. PS I really need to stop playing Wii while drunk.
Stop introducing me to people as your little sister.
I don't think the lady gaga poster on your wall qualifies you as a brother.
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
She went home with him because he works at Jimmy John's and his car "smelled like meat"
Well, it's either jungle juice or memory of the night... It's unfortunate I can't have both
She needs to go. She is like the Yoko Ono of our group.
You asked me if I was judging you for being drunk, and if I can hypnotize you make sober.
So i had a lucid dream about blowing myself. This is why people love me
My walk of shame is starting to become positively reinforcing; I stop by Starbucks and when I leave I look someone just heading to work.
She's high and screaming MEREDITH IS A WHORE
If so I'm coming over there. There's no way I'm having "hello, how are you" conversations with my neighbors on acid
I walked in on him fucking her whilst she ate skittles. I saw things no one should see, but I did get your bra back. You owe me.
I'm in the upstairs bathroom. I went to the bathroom after class and realized this is not a shit I want to have publicly. I ran home. We can go to lunch, just give me a min
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
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