goodnight i made you a song goodbye
so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
it felt like I walked into a Tool Academy challenge
just saw a man remove a wedgie from his lady's ass. who says chivalry is dead.
we live in such a classy society.
Nothing like the It's a Small World ride at Disneyland to remind you to take your birth control. I took it on the boat yesterday
I'm still pretty stoned. There are mini rice cakes in my robe pocket to snack on in the shower.
You give an incredible blow job. I wanted to make sure you know it was appreciated
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
I'm ready to run through the streets naked yelling "HES ALIVE!"
Why do I have this feeling like this is heading in a slightly threesome-y direction
The good news is I woke up fully clothed, on top of my covers, with a half eaten granola bar. So, breakfast was waiting for me and I’m already dressed and ready to go today.
I kept screaming at his rabbit: "IT'S OKAY, YOU CAN HAVE SOME TRIX. FUCK THOSE SELFISH BITCHES."
Randomize
