my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
It's not littering; it's giving birds nest building suplies. Besides, birds love soy sauce and plastic forks.
Lady GaGa only went backwards in convincing me she's not a man at the VMAs.
Being a responsible DD does not include attempting to coordinate a 4 taxi caravan to bar #3
I decided that I do the same thing when i'm drunk with every guy who has a girlfriend...lecture them on how bad cheating is, then hook up with them. I'm like good cop, bad cop.
You kept trying to use my cat as a napkin.
I told her my hands were paint brushes and her vagina was my canvas
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
Can we make love to the Space Jam soundtrack?
Do you remember whose house we're in?
Just in case you forgot, last night you came home drunk and pissed all over my laptop. You owe me a laptop.
On a scale of "huh, that's interesting" to "holy porn stars, batman". How good?
Definitely closer to "holy porn stars, batman".
She was all for the threesome til I showed her a pic of my boyfriend. I think I should re-evaluate my life decisions.
Hangover and judgement, the breakfast of champions.
Randomize
