K I think ***** turned off her phone. Guess I can't make her feel any more miserable tonight so I'm goin to sleep
It really wasn't that bad. Well, it was pretty bad, but only in 3 second bursts.
you just can't say no to drugs on a mirrored table.
She sucked my dick when I had a concussion. It was the coolest feeling ever but the doctor said it was a bad idea. He's obviously gay.
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If it makes you feel better, I doubt anything could survive in your uterus.
She's pissed. She declared she was moving out and proceeded to pack 3 pairs of shoes, her electric wine opener and ONE sock. Then told us to have fun paying her portion of the rent.
I succsesfully kept my nipples in my dress all night. Even when I got in a fight. I was made for the bar.
Woke up on the stairs at my parents house. Good start to vacation.
Ugh..Yesterday was a complete alcohol fueled shit show. Not making eye contact with anyone today. Don't deserve it. Eye contact is for decent people.
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Me, him and the recently stolen carpet walked down the road and into the strip club. We had to check the carpet with our coats, it didn't mind missing out too much, later the door guy at Subway held carpet during late night sandwich selection.
At least you get to smell pizza at your job. I just smell despair all day long.
Only at Harvard can you walk in on a bunch of stoners and expect everyone to immediately stand up, shake your hand and introduce themselves like we're at a fucking job fair
You're like Jane Goodall in a forest of gay men. Someday your autobiography will be called "Bottoms in the Mist".
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
I miss painting strippers for Christmas. Holidays not the same without glitter and body paint
I'll be your substitute stripper tonight.
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