we went to a bar last night, drank beer in plastic cups. I took pics w/a random kid i pulled into a photobooth & i have easy mac in my purse. I belong here.
What happened to the watermelon?
You fucked it.
porn bloobers exist! never have i laughed so hard while jerking off!
You are forgiven. I sent you a picture of a pumpkin man as a gesture of reconciliation.
The meeting is at the same hotel we go to for sex. Avoiding eye contact with all the staff there.
Found out why they call her Halfpipe Jenny-NOT the cool reason we thought
I cried singing "call me maybe" on the way home from the bar. What the fuck
Don't act like you're not jealous that I disappeared into the closet to blow my husband. Marriage = all the cock I want.
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
You tell anyone I'm rocking out to Pitbull in an economy, base-model car, I'll kill you.
I left my parents and ran through the airport. I was like I'm not getting stuck in Atlanta tonight and not having sex.
Is it rude to say "I hate you because you live inside Hillary Clinton's asshole"?
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
I feel like I haven't slapped your ass in years. This will be awesome.
I've seen your dick too many times for both of us to be straight.
Randomize
