My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
question: does your pee smell like mojitos at all?
the women in the ladies room did not appreciate my innovation of turning a sink into a urinal
he told me he was a chubby chaser.. then winked. i'm signing up for a gym pass as we speak
I think I love you, but I may be biased because we had pirate sex.
If I get over there and the april fools joke is that there's no HBO, I'm setting fire to the place.
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
Seriously you have a sixth sense. You woke up out of a nap to tell us all to check the clock and it was 4:18. You're like the spiderman of smoking weed.
You puked on my feet last night. You owe me a pedicure.
Dude he downed 9 shots of tequila, sang bohemian rhapsody with 3 randoms Wayne's world style, solo'd closing time, chased the hot bartender's dog all the way to main, tackled him, carried him back, hot bar tender hugged AND kissed him, then he does a jumping heel click and leaps into my car through the window. Next rounds free at the yeti. Needless to say your little brother is a tequila god.
Basically.
THIS CHICK IS LIKE SOME SORT OF HOOKER HOUDINI.
That's how all the girlfriends are. Oh he's a boy, no worries, then BAM. I blow their boyfriend.
The first thing I did when I got to the apartment was masturbate on the couch
It got weird I got a phone call while looking at porn and the video started playing while on the phone full on porn audio.
You almost got us killed.
YOU’RE WELCOME FOR NAVIGATING YOU TO A ONCE IN A LIFETIME EXPERIENCE.
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