saw "Pah-jure" lube. Thought of you. Wearing the same clothes to work tomorrow.
I stayed in, ate a pint of Hagen daas and watched a movie about aids. Soooooooo single.
Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
His apartment number was 69. I had to.
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
all i wanna do is drink skittled vodka, fuck my gf, and pass out in my neighbors hot tub naked
Just heard the girl at the bar cuss her bf out and order a long island ice tea. Going to give it 5 min then I'm going in. See you on the other side.
It's a goat... but where the fuck did it come from?
I enjoy it and I rock at it. I wish there were a respectable way to make giving blow jobs a career.
I'm so excited for post-beer fest chipotle. It will be better than scared shitless pre-go karting chipotle.
Can i have the words "she went crazy and never came back" written on my grave?
You have the perkiest tits in all of North America. You're fine.
Anyone who does not consider cereal and wine as a balanced breakfast needs to leave immediately.
the best part is that i get to keep the pot plants and he still has my name tattooed on his ass
I don’t have enough daddy issues for this shit, make him go away
Um. I just realized I still have a beer in my purse from last night. I'm at work. I am so classy.
Randomize
