and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
No. He just yelled "youre having one more orgasm!" So he made that happen and then he rolled over and went to sleep.
He kept moaning America instead of Erica while fucking me.
You drank everything last night. It was like this huge deconstructed long island that went on for 5 hours
I have no idea what's going on.... I just want to wear my horse sweatshirt and drink vodka.
everyone thought he was too sick to make it, but he showed up. Ten minutes in and he's doing vodka shots with nyquil chasers
trading diseases for a hangover? that's either a really good decision or a really, really bad one. we'll find out if he wakes up tomorrow
I owe a guy a shoe because I threw it over a fence. That is all.
Why do I even exist?
My night started to turn around the time I started calling her a "raggedy cunt".
Somehow she got that I meant it as a term of endearment.
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
I'm like still hungover from the quinceanera.
There was a deer right in front of me when I came. Sex in the forest is awesome
Turns out the dorm toilet can't take a punch. Gonna be a long year without Mexican food.
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
Somehow my boobs came up in conversation AGAIN last night and I'm still not getting laid...
Never drinking before a 6am train again. Just threw up at boarder control and had to pretend it was cause I was pregnant and not cause I trashed.
You make Europe seem so glamorous.
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