Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
I got so many pubes stuck in her braces that when she yanked her head, I cried out like that one girl you "accidentally" rear-ended last week. Bald spots are battle scars.
according to the woman who took my blood today, i have "party veins"
I'm still trying to figure out how you came back with chinese food, and a spoon covered in icing saying 'cake..'
Side note: I think I fell asleep holding a cereal box
We're trying to leave but amy's hitting on the guy who mans the nacho cart
I stole an ensure out of their fridge and started chugging it. That was when Maria made me leave.
I swear some just paged for more cock rings over the intercom.
Oh my fucking god how fucking embarrassing never again will I mix drugs at a family barbecue
He stood me up.
I'm no sure if I should be pissed or proud that he finally grew a backbone.
Trying to figure out if the guy I'm with right now is the same guy I met spring break
Oh duude it is the guy from spring break! Awk.
The quality of my porn watching experience has significantly declined. Thanks shattered iphone screen
How do you make a Facebook status saying how much you fucking hate yourself without being aggressive enough for people to worry about your safety
Cuz that's where I'm at
she brought her phone charger to the bar this bitch is ready to drink
I didn't know it was possible and I don't know if I'll ever be able to do it again on my own but he literally fuck me sideways.
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