that sweater is a total boner killer. you might as well be wearing a wedding dress.
He just used my bikini trimmer to give himself a fumanchu. And I still plan on having sex with him tonight. This has to be what true love feels like.
Chasing shots by shotgunning beers is not a good idea.
Just took the worst coed shower ever. We both cried. AND I only shaved one leg.
I may or may not have traded sexual favors for Disney on Ice tickets.
I feel like jumping into a breast pit right now. Like the old school ball pits at mcdonalds.
Fire alarms went off at reception of gay wedding im at. We all had to evacuate until FD got here. Then...ill just text the photos.
I woke up to a shot of jager next to my face. I felt bad for it so i drank it
I'd rather be castrated by angry chipmunks Than live your life for 24 hours
Did you just tell me you watch cartoon porn because it's more real?
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
I'm the girl holding the bag of goldfish
My mom just asked if I wanted a mimosa when I got out of the bath.
I think everything's gonna be okay.
I left my red butterfly dildo laying on my bedroom floor this morning....my landlord is currently showing the house to people. Fuck can't ever face him again.
I promise it wsnt a penis when i put it in my mouth
Randomize
