First, he can't make me cum.. And now, he can't get it up because he LOVES me?!!??! i don't think so.
would you object to me following you around all the time with a video camera and selling it to TV? Your life could make me millions.
You were throwing ham at people telling them you were the sandwhich fairy
Dude this stripper just dry humped the settings off my phone. She earned that dollar
I watched you fall asleep, sitting up, eating a cinnamon roll. You proceeded to wake up...smile at your cinnamon roll, ask it how it got into your hand and then began eating it again. You asked me if you were ridiculous last night, define ridiculous.
Had sex with the Irish bartender in Spain. So that happened.
Sorry bud. Having a shitty day because the GF broke up with my wife and I. We really liked her too
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
When ur uncle gives you free weed, you take it
Besides, I'm booked tomorrow. I'm planning on drinking heavily and crying in the bath.
Facebook: “Hey you fucked on a diving board, you should probably should wish him a happy birthday”
I woke up on a different floor than I went to sleep on. Can't find my shoes.
I saved a sauce packet from taco bell that said "Free me" to use in my next break up.
I told him I lived in the apartment beside his brother and he said "oh, you're the girl that watches really loud porn!"
I had to ask my mom to look for my kegle ball...
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