I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
i just fucked the bartender on my cruise to get free alcohol. have things gone too far?
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
Woke up on the floor with my glow stick in one hand & dollar bills in the other. Good. Morning.
And I can taste the vodka through my ears. Good god.
I feel like the other woman.
You ARE the other woman.
Ok, it's starting to sound like someone's out there trying to learn to play the trombone while breaking kitchenware.
I just smoked weed out of a baked potato.
You rock my world.
You kept running up to married couples, taking their pictures and begging for them not to get divorced
How do I have sand in my vagina if we were an hour away from the beach?
He was so high he started playing Twister on the striped rug. Then when we missed midnight he went on a screaming rampage about his New Year's Eve being meaningless. How do you think it went?
you just have the mind of an innocent, non-tainted child.
YOU KNOW THAT'S BULLSHIT BECAUSE YOU'RE THE REASON IT'S BULLSHIT
Hey know anyone who wants 58 lbs of whole frozen chickens for a couple bowls?
you were so high you just watched the elf.... its spring
“before I show up tits a blazing, what’s the sexual temperature here?“
Randomize
