i hope my daughter doesn't end up with cankles. no guy likes cankles.
So as she is about to take the walk of shame she flips out. Apparently someone left a brown present in her shoes.
Ok forget what i said about christmas break being awful. Chasing shots with fudge
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
It was honestly like finding a clitoris in a haystack.
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
Being drunk at the hospital is better than i expected. I got to hide and play in the little kids waiting area. Btw no one is hurt
Do you recall us playing flip cup on your head?
Someone just took a shot from my crotch. I should not have to drive home
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
So someone just pointed out to me that during dinner, I mentioned more women that I'm attracted to than men. The transition might be complete. I'm gay.
Can we please start going to the gym before I accidentally kill someone via explosive fat girl pants button accident
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
I may be a complete scumbag but even im not willing to spend a grand and sit on a plane for 24 hours just for shrooms and a blowjob
So I missed the eclipse because I was masturbating.
Randomize
